Hi there everyone,
Another tough week has just passed. My role as a group leader has just done. I’m so glad my group didn’t suck…phew…maybe I just overwhelmed. Everything was not that bad (If you were my teammate, I don’t mean to blame you, please note.). Though everything seemed to be alright, I still feel like I screwed things up on the last day of that module. I said to the group that I didn’t feel we had enough fun (We had ‘Fun’ in our values and I crossed it!)…Then, the whole group protested me…Next, I realised that it’s just only me who didn’t have much fun…It turned out that I had pretended to be happy. At that time, I felt like I was a liar…damn. I was turning into something I really hate and, of course, it really hurt. Man, I’m really sorry for what I’ve done. Please forgive me. I hope we should have had a well termination, but it turned into tragedy (for me) :'(
In these a few weeks, I have stepped out of from my green zone-comfort zone for so long, maybe too long. I feel like breaking. You know when we step into yellow zone, we usually feel unsafe, uncertain and unsure. Everything seems to happen without warnings. All we can do is to prepare and be ready, which are very hard if we have to be conscious and ‘present’ all the time. And if we carry on all of these feelings for a long time, we will be stressful. But this is the way we suppose to be. This makes us more professional and grown-up. For me, I dared to do something harsh and I got hurt sometimes. I tried to push to expand my boundary-my green zone to be wider, but it’s so difficult. Somehow I don’t really know where I am, where is my green zone or where can I step back. I feel like I’m in between something and something, but by the way, I know I’ve learnt something and I got experiences. I used to observe before jump in, but now it’s time to dare and experiment. Time and tide wait for no man. I shouldn’t play too safe anymore. My time is running out everyday. If I break down, please save me, embrace me, hug me, people. Hope you guys are not as cold as Sweden. I’m all alone and lack of warmth.
Nevertheless, there is also something surprised. Since the school started, I have got many feedbacks from my teammates. There are some feedbacks that really surprise me, which are ‘sense of humour‘ and ‘being optimistic‘. I wonder that I am. I mean I think I tend to be serious and emotional. However, I try to be simply and take it easy as much as I can, because I know that I couldn’t take everything seriously all the time. This may sound confusing. I know…there are two voices in my head. One says ‘life is nothing‘ and another one says ‘life is something‘, and I can’t take a side. I have to live in between and it is extremely hard to keep my mind in balance. So, one thing that can reduce the stress is to laugh. It works very well. I might seem silly but I know what I’m doing. As someone convinced me, I was so pleased that ‘one‘ told me about ‘one‘s thought about that laugh. I’m really happy when people around me laughing and I don’t care whether they laugh at me or they laugh with me. If you laugh at me, whatever reason is. It’s in your head, not in my head. If you laugh at me with your evil thought, that evil thought is in yours, not mine. As long as it doesn’t hurt me, why do I have to care? Then, just relax and enjoy the happiness. Life is not easy but it’s not that hard though.
I have some posters to show you. These are our principles (or whatever) for Hyper Islanders (or whatever). These are kind of first drafts. I don’t know if my friends want to edit them before print. So, let’s see how well my graphic design skill is.
See you soon,