What Lies Beneath

“There is a quote ‘Life is a journey, not a destination’ (Ralph Waldo Emerson).
So what do you think when did your journey begin?
I may say my journey began when I finished my high school, because at that time I had a chance to make a big decision in my life which was my major in the university that was going to be my life path in the future.

When I studied in the university, I used to try to picture my life in the future and I got many different images.
It changed all the time when I learnt or knew something new. I was so confused, but one thing I learnt is that I shouldn’t expect about everything much, because everything is not always alright.
So, I stopped, relaxed and let my life went on.

I don’t mean that I don’t plan my life, but what I’m saying is that my plan is flexible.
It’s happier to live and easier to thrive.

I may say I don’t know much about my life.
I may say I choose because I have to choose even I don’t want to choose.

I know that I made many wrong decisions in my life.
I know that I did many mistakes in my past.

But, now, I could say I don’t want to change anything that I’ve been through
because my presence comes from my past,
and I know that I can’t turn back time
because time and tide wait for no man.

My life is a journey and my journey hasn’t done yet.”

That is my script for the speech presentation on last Thursday and, of course, it sucked! I forgot the half below. I didn’t have a note because I used my laptop for recording presentation clips. Moreover, I didn’t follow the introduction which I had to say what I want people to do. Yeah, I just made another mistake in my past…

For one thing, I just realised how horrible my English skill is (from the presentation clip). Earlier, I thought that I worked on it quite well (because I’ve ever had English presentations before but, at that time, I had a few days to prepare) but when I was in that workshop, I saw myself speaking English, and it shattered my illusion…At least, it helps me knowing more about myself. So, now I know what is my big problem that I have to improve and challenge. At this point, I could say I can’t improvise in English and advertising is not my expert. I want time to prepare and practise. Anyway, thank you Ilene for that amazing workshop. I was so overwhelming and almost cried :’)

Apart from that awful presentation, I also had the lowest time so far in Sweden. I’m really scared this moment might happen. I try to avoid, but finally, I couldn’t escape. I’m a group leader in my new group which takes so much of me. I could feel a pressure on my shoulders. Actually, I kind of had leadership experiences before and I can coup with it. But now, I’m in a different culture. My English is not strong that much and it makes me losing my confidence. I could say if my group sucks, it sucks because of me. I’m sorry man. I’m not your best leader but I swear I try my best…Fortunately, my group works well, but I’m not sure. This is just the first week. We have next week to work together. Let’s see what is going to happen.

Those are not enough. There is something more. This is so personal. If you don’t want to get involved, just skip this paragraph. Last week, I fought…no, I had a serious conversation with my family-my mom on Facebook. This is the least thing I want it to happen. I know that it could happen on some day. The thing is that we talk quite much on Facebook since I’ve been here. If you read my previous blogs, you might see that I don’t like talking. The topics that we talked are kind of same things. She asked me same questions for several times in these 2 months. She worried about almost everything I posted on Facebook. I know that she really cares me, but, please, I’m twenty four. I’m not fourteen. I know what’s right, what’s wrong. I have responsibility. Before I came here, she said that she wants me to grow up and live on my own, but it seems like she doesn’t let me grow on my own. I feel she’s trying to hold me back and I’m so uncomfortable and annoyed. It’s like I’m in the prison or maybe a bird in the cage. I’m growing but in the house. How can I survive when I go outside the house? I traveled 7000 miles far from home to here, just to find and learn about myself, but I still get stuck in my ‘house’. I know she loves me and I love her. I have only one mother. I know who adopts me and I will never forget. I just want my own life and time…This situation took so much out of me. I can’t carry all of these things. I’ve never had homesick, but my only ‘safe house’ was shaken. I was depressed. It made me feel like I don’t want to go home much more…Well, at least, it didn’t happen in the winter.

I know that sometimes I am so direct. I’m just tired of lying and being lied. That’s why I really hate a liar.

Sometimes the truth is really hurtful, but I’m still so pleased to perceive the truth even it could turn me upside-down.
It’s better than to believe in a lie, isn’t it?

Take care,
Best

PS I still have no internet connection in my place. That’s why there’s no change in this site. I’m sorry.