Hi there everyone,
I was just recovering from depression a few days ago. It was extremely sad but I didn’t cry. Many things just happened in these last few weeks of the summer break. It was tough and hard…much enough to break me down. A lot of shit was running in my head and I took a while to figure it out. I noticed that it always happens when I’m lonely for a long time and it just happens when I’m here in Sweden by myself. I had done many things just to get over it. I chatted with my friend, watched a lot of “LOST”, went to the gym and ran like hell. Though it didn’t go away…
During that hard time, I came up with some thoughts.
-I started to understand why Sweden has a high rate of suicide. I was not sure if it’s because of “Sweden” or it could be anywhere.
-I usually thought that those who committed suicide were stupid, I guessed I was wrong. I suffered so bad. I thought I know why they can’t escape and eventually killed themselves.
-I started to understand why many people drink a lot just to get drunk to escape the sadness. Luckily, I don’t drink.
-I thought LOST had influenced me pretty much because I watched it to kill my time and to get my head away from the desperation, and I got something from this series-to let go and move on. It seemed easy but it’s fucking hard. I had tried so many times to let go of whatever and I was still trying. It worked sometimes but many times it came back, and still got stuck back in my mind.
-It was always sad when I think about the time I have left at Hyper Island, the time that I have for my new friends. Yes, it’s one year already, but they were still “new” friends. I wish I could be more than a new friend but it seemed impossible. I thought I worked so hard with new friends just to make them closer. No, it’s not easy…I wish I knew how…and in the next few months-18 weeks, we’ll leave school for internship and we might never come back…whatever will be, will be…
Once before the school closed for summer break, it was Annet who asked me how it felt to be the only international student who hadn’t come home yet. At that time, I thought I was doing fine. I could live here. I didn’t have a problem with Sweden. However, a few days ago, that question came back to my head. I didn’t have any problems living here but I doubted I had problems with myself. I had to deal with my emotions. It’s not easy and it had never been easy. Imagine how strong and tough I have to be when I’m here alone without anyone but myself dealing with all problems that could possibly happen. It’s just not easy to be grown-up.
A few weeks ago, I had a chance to visit Västerås to see my friends in their hometown-Arber (the “alien_artist”), Natalie and Alex. Unfortunately, Thia was sick :( Thank Natalie and Alex for being my company :) It was the last day of city festival as well. A lot of things were going on and a lot of crap lied around on the ground. Though it was a nice trip. Think about how nice it could be just to spend a little time chilling out with friends talking and laughing. I can’t remember what we were talking about but the thing was that Alex asked me about to reason to go back to Västerås. It was a good and meaningful question to me. It’s still stuck in my mind. It made me think about the reason to stay and to come back. It felt like I didn’t know the answer or maybe I had never known what I was doing. Well, maybe now I had a reason to come back-to meet my classmates :’)
It all came back to the question-why haven’t I come back home yet? All these times, I was trying to find the reason to live here in Sweden, or the reason to come back when I leave… I like Sweden but it’s harder and harder everyday. I was trying to build a relationship/friendship/connection or whatsoever they call. I was not sure if it’s because I took in too much or too personal. I knew that it takes time, but can’t I just push it harder so I can move on faster? I just felt like I ran out of time. Is only “working” enough for the reason to stay? Isn’t too sad and lonely? I’m only a human and I want friends. I was thinking about one quote I got from LOST, Juliet says “If I never meet you, then I never have to lose you.”. What a drama!
Ironically, some people were chasing me while I was chasing some people…Well, what goes around, comes around. I was thinking about how great it would be if those who were chasing me and whom I was chasing are the same people. Then, I’ll get the perfect match and I won’t have a hard time trying to get along with others.
A few days ago, I had a chance to visit Uppsala. It was my second time but it was my first time in summer. As I expected, it was nothing but fascinating. This city is very nice and beautiful. No hurry, no rushing. Everything is smooth and calm. I wish I could live there.
I also just changed the theme of this website because the last theme wasn’t responsive to small screens. Here is how my homepage looks like.
It had been almost one year already since I left my hometown (13 July 2012). It’s not easy but it’s not too hard. I was still breathing. I thought I grew up…I wasn’t sure.
This afternoon I’m going to the airport for my Euro trip (Amsterdam, Berlin, Prague, Cesky Krumlov, Budapest and some beaches in Croatia). One Thai and three Brazilians, it’ll be fun, I guess. I’ll be back on August, 3. So, wish me luck and see you later.