Lately I had been feeling very unhappy about things and people around me including myself. I wasn’t sure how and when it happened but I guessed it started from the project at work. There was a big and tough project that I was assigned to. I actually didn’t have much to do with it but it demanded a lot of my attention because my responsibility was to manage the project on my side (my company side). I didn’t get to do anything but attended all meetings which were very boring, I must admit. It was several months and it made me morbidly bored.
I did try to be positive about things in this project in the beginning. Then I was told to be “realistic” and the reality of this project wasn’t something expected. They were dreaming of creating something innovative but it inevitably turned out to be mundane. I was there to just witness and told my colleague to follow their direction. It feels like you see how the project is developed over time and how it goes south but you can’t do anything because you have no authority to make such decisions. I had good and positive feelings towards the project when I started but then I got disappointed from time to time (let alone the working process that was flawed and ineffective). I had to sit through hours of meeting listening to irrelevant stuff almost everyday. All these things just made me very fed up and mentally tired.
I was suffering from this project and it affected my life negatively. When things go bad, other issues also get stirred up. One thing just leads to another. If it was 5 years ago, I would just quit the project right away (like others in this project who actually resigned). Yet I didn’t run away this time. I had been very patient and tried very hard to stay sane.
I heard or read from somewhere long time ago that, in order to stay positive when you are down, you just need to think about 3-5 things that make you happy on that day even if it’s a very tiny thing. This was my effort to make every night before I went to bed-a list of my happiness for the past 3 and a half months. There were days that I had to squeeze my mind so bad so I can have 3 things on that day.
Going through this project just demanded too much mental effort and energy. I was more than happy that my part of this project was about to be over. So I can heal myself.
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