6 weeks past but I still have culture-shock! I’m sorry if I do something strange. I couldn’t help but I’m learning. Because the culture here and in my hometown are different, I sometimes stun. Let me introduce about Thai cultures a bit. For example, normally, when Thais are greeting, they don’t touch each other (that much). They do ‘wai’ and say ‘Sawasdee Krub/Ka’ and that’s it. Of course, traditionally, they don’t ‘check hand’, ‘hug’, ‘kiss’, ‘high five’ and so on. However, Thais tend to absorb other cultures, so nowadays many Thais like to use other cultures instead of theirs. For me, I might say I’m quite conservative or maybe I don’t interest in culture stuff (religion and ritual as well), so that’s why I don’t know much about it.
People often ask me why I don’t drink alcohol. There are several reasons for this question and there is nothing about religion. I’d rather tell some of them, because there’s a reason that might hurt some people whom I really care. For one thing, I don’t like it and it wastes of money. I think I could enjoy and have fun without alcohol in my blood. All the time I’ve been through, I’ve never had problems with that. For another thing, I forgot to tell you guys that I used to be a blood donor volunteer. I had donated my blood since I was 17, and I did it every 3 months until I came to Sweden. I have to stop but if I have a chance to do it here, I’m so pleased to do it then. I also donated my eyes and organs already. There is no prohibition about alcohol actually, but I just want to be clean and pure. Not only for myself, but also for other people if I die young.
So, Let’s get back to school.
This is the end of third week at my new school-Hyper Island. I think I like going to school. I think I like new friends.
Last week, I got the first brief (in collaboration with Gyro and IRC) to work with friends from other programs. At first day-Thursday, I felt like I was at the first day of the first week because I didn’t know anyone and I felt really awkward. Anyway, things got better each day, but last Friday, one of my friends in Digital Media program quit the school. That made me felt so sad and that feeling disturbed me during the meeting with my group. I wondered how I felt so strong with this situation even I haven’t had a chance to talk with her that much, but I almost cried…oh man, that’s just 2 weeks. Why I had such a strong feeling? How about next 2 years… Maybe I’ll be less sensitive. Maybe I’ll hate someone. Maybe I won’t talk to someone anymore…whatever…everything changes every time, but I still hate to say ‘goodbye’ (not ‘goodbye see you tomorrow’, you know). Let’s get back to my work group. I was so frustrated on that Friday because I couldn’t make an idea and some people thought that I had some problems with the group (I felt like that). We ended the meeting with some ideas that we got stuck, so we planned to do more researches and meet again on Sunday. As I felt so sad and frustrated, I also worried about my housing situation because I had to find a new room and my family always asked me about it…I felt like there are butterflies flying in my head and I was so exhausted.
Last Sunday, things got better. I had done with the research and I was ready to work with my group. Our idea generation worked well. We had a plan and goal. I got a work to do which was drawing a picture for the presentation. I felt so good and included. I had something to do to help my group. That was my highest time of this project.
This is the full-furnished room. The actual room used in the presentation was partly-furnished with black colour tone.
Last Monday, I went to see my teammates with a big heart. I had my work to show and they all were satisfied with my work. Sweet :D Meanwhile, we got a new team member. I might say he is a good person and has a lot of work experiences, but we didn’t brief him about our task, idea and…everything that much. In the evening, he brought up an issue that we had made a decision already (He didn’t know because we didn’t tell him). Then, we had a serious discussion about our goal and it came out that we didn’t understand in the same direction, like we had different picture of goal. Our task ran more than halfway and the next day morning was the deadline. We had to finish this project within that night. Fortunately, we can compromise and find a solution without changing any works that we had done. For me, I have to confess that I was lost from the group since that serious discussion happened. I could sense the tension and stress on the table and they suffocated me. I needed to escape but I couldn’t go home because I had to wait until the presentation finished, since there was my animation in the presentation so if they wanted to edit the time, it’s only me who can do it. I was so tired at that night and began to post crappy comments in the Facebook group. I also sent messages to some people to report my group situation…now I feel guilty for what I’ve done. Hope people don’t feel annoyed and please don’t hate me. I just had a hard time T_T
I think my group and I learn a lot from this group task. At least, we learn that we should structure roles for everyone and we should write everything down, so we won’t come back to the same decision again, but move forward with the same direction.
Yesterday, I had a very hard time at school (It seems like I always have a hard time at school. I couldn’t help. Everyday is a challenge…). I worked on my goal and I wondered what my goal is… Now, I still don’t really know. I may say I come to this school because I want to find my goal. So, my goal, for now, is ‘to find a goal’. That’s what I said to my friends…No, that’s what my friend said. Somehow I question myself what I really wanna be but I can’t answer myself. Maybe Thai-old-style education damaged my brain too much. I don’t dare to get out of the cave, but I’m trying now. I can see the light at the very far distance even it’s so unclear but I have nothing to lose… I’m twenty-four but I still don’t know myself. How pathetic I am… I should know myself best, shouldn’t I? If not, then who knows me best? I go across the world far from home, family and old friends, just to find a better opportunity for my life, I guess. However, this could mean nothing if I couldn’t find myself…
I also wrote a letter to myself in some day in the future just in case something terrible happens to me and I want to leave. I don’t know if it could help, but I know that I can keep my memory in that paper. Hope something bad won’t happen to me during these times. Hope that letter will save me…